Translated by Doug Burkett
In the dark times before IC, the common people did toil under the burden of calculating diverse sums, and products, and roots and special functions. And some did have the magick rules that slid and the great tables made of logs, and they did toil less, and some fewer did have the noisome Friden, or Marchant, or Monroe, and some fewer still could petition the keepers of the big iron, who would mostly laugh and spit at them, unless they could show great wealth or a student ID.
And so the common people were without champion, until emperor Kilby, of the TI empire, had mercy and decreed to his slaving minions, that there would be a pocket calculator. And the minions were confused, and they said "a tiny mathematician?", for in those days a calculator was one who calculated, and not a machine. And emperor Kilby was short with them, and said unto them, 'no, you twits! a machine which calculates!' And the minions did say 'oh, OK, gotcha', and they did go forth and toil, and toiled some more, until there came forth the beast with the eight baleful red eyes, and it was named the DataMath 2500, but the ways of the marketing witches are strange and without reason. And lo! the common people could add, and subtract, and multiply, and divide, either from batteries or the AC line, and there was much rejoicing.
But those among the common people who did toil at mathematics, and science, and engineering, and the other arcane arts; they did sniff and say 'verily, but my rule which slides doth more than this, and surely without electricity to boot'. And so they were not amused. But then one among them, one emperor Hewlett of the HP empire, had mercy and decreed to his slaving minions, that there would be a scientific pocket calculator. And those minions did toil, and toil even more, and the beast HP-35 did in good time issue forth. And it was named for the number of keys it had, because, in those quaint times, the marketing witches did not hold sway in the HP empire. And all the subjects of the empire saw that it was good, very good in fact, and they danced and made merry in their caves, and cried 'Rejoice, and be glad! for now we shall surely crush the TI infidels, much like small insects!'
But it came to pass that the TI subjects were not, in fact, crushed like small insects. For instead their leaders held council, and consulted with sages and marketing witches, who told them 'Go forth and market your tiny mathematicians to those apprentices who study, for while they may have student IDs, they have not great wealth, and they lust after the little boxes with red numbers, that they may spend less time in study and more time making merry. And heed not the anquished wails and howling of those who teach, their cries will come to naught as does chaff on the wind.'
And thus did holy jihad commence, and the empires of HP and TI did do battle most bloody and vile. Both empires sent multitudes of beasts and riders into the fray, and verily it came to pass that the HP empire did prevail with those who toiled for coin at the arcane arts, and the TI empire did prevail with the young apprentices. This, even though the beasts of TI were weak of display and key, and often died early in battle. But they were legion, and they were cheap, and the apprentices had not great wealth, etc, etc.
And jihad raged on, and a great many beasts passed on to their just rewards, with their shields or on them, until the fateful day the HP empire unleashed a leviathan, and the name of the leviathan was 48SX, and 48SX had not a one-line eye, but an eye of hundreds of pixels, and 48SX did not just tedious calculations with numbers, but manipulated the magick symbols of Al-Jabr, and 48SX did not just speak of number, but painted and drew and sang, and communed much with larger calculating beasts. And those of the battle plain were stricken dumb, for all knew the leviathan was the true king.
So once again the leaders of the TI empire consulted much with their marketing witches, who did divine and labour frantically at the entrails of small animals, and cast many spells. And the witches did say 'Lo! though the teachers of apprentices wail and lament with vigour at your reign, you may yet bewitch them with their own spells. For though they fear the calculating beasts, they do lust after tenure and job security. Do go forth and beguile them with with many free calculating beasts, and seduce them with much, much swag, and speak often at their covens in their tongue. Verily, you will befriend and comfort and succor them greatly, and they will sing your praise on high to the acquisition committees.' So this the TI emperors did, and at great length, with much expense in time and coin, and the prognostications of the marketing witches did come to pass, and the TI empire did flourish.
Still, the true HP king and his heirs did rule for many generations, and his subjects were legion and loyal, even though they could only speak to the king in his native tongue of arpean. But the years did pass, and the issue of the king's loins was not distinguished, and was but a pale imitation of the king, and the HP emperors were bewitched, and slumbered, while the subjects toiled and proclaimed mightily in the name of their king, and built mighty works in his honor.
But the empire of TI did not slumber, and the minions toiled, and toiled some more, and little by little built a leviathan after their own hearts. And the name of this leviathan was 92, with eye bigger than 48SX, and brain faster than 48SX, and memory deeper than 48SX, and knowledge broader than 48SX. And thus it came to pass that 92 was a worthy adversary to 48SX, and begat his progeny 89, who was much the same but could ride in a really big pocket instead of a small chipcart.
And thus began the golden age of the calculating beasts, who could and would even do battle with the lumbering behemoths of the Peasea empire. But still did jihad rage most violent with the subjects of the HP and TI empires, tearing brother from brother and sister from sister in sworn allegiance to the empires. But the HP emperors slumbered on, and on, and could not be roused by the clamor and cries of the HP subjects.
But in the deserts of Oz, the HP emperors did rouse themselves, one more time, just barely enough to summon noble wizards and clever sorcerers and true believers, who toiled mightily in the caves of Ayceeoh, and did mighty battle with the HP marketing witches, who now wielded all great power in the HP empire. And they did prevail, and the new HP king, 49G, was born, and at first his subjects rejoiced and danced in the newgroups, and verily, thumbed thier noses at the TI subjects in a most insulting manner. But the new king was much as the old king, in bright shiny dress, albeit with deeper memory and broader knowledge. And the HP subjects were thrown into turmoil and confusion, and some fought one against another as thier consciences ordered, and some defected to the TI empire, and some defected all empires to wander in alone the wilderness.
But the HP emperors would not have commerce with the teachers of apprentices, and were in fact aloof to them and snubbed them. And the HP wizards were slow to share all secrets of the new king, at length in massive tomes, and indeed said only 'read the tomes of the old king.' And thus the teachers did not hail the new king 49G one tiny bit, and many loyal HP subjects shunned the new king, and he languished in disgrace and ingominy, for verily his buttons required the strength of ten stout men to get his attention. And thus the new HP queen Carly of Fiorina and her marketing witches wailed and lamented, and to thier eternal shame and disgrace, they cast out forever the noble wizards and clever sorcerors who begat the new king.
And thus ended the golden age of the calculating beasts, not with a bang, but with a whimper.
But still the jihad rages on, though the emperors themselves now heed it not, and consider the jihad as the tiresome buzzing of insects in the thunderstorm. And the subjects of the empires see not that they are truly of one calling, greater than TI or HP, and thus they rail at each other and not at the true foe, and weaken themselves and bring on their own anguish and ruin.
So ends the legend.
Return